Waiting for You
by Humbae
Summary: Kaoru's thoughts on Kenshin. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki-sensei. I make no profit from writing this.

**Waiting for You**

I watch you often. I don't know whether you know this or not. I don't care. I love to see you move. The movements of your muscles beneath your skin make my stomach flutter whenever I have the rare chance to see it. The way your hair reflects orange light when the sun hits it, the way your blood red gi moves with you, the twinkle of your bright blue eyes. I love all of it. I love you.

You love me. I know this for sure but I'm not sure whether you know it or not. I have a hunch you might just know it, but you will not admit it. The reasons are also the reasons I love you so very much. You find yourself unworthy of my love. You are so wrong. It is I who doesn't deserve you.

You could be so different. You could've gone mad with the past that constantly haunts you. In a way, I think you have gone a little mad, not that there's anything wrong with your perception of the world. It's your perception of self that has suffered. You cannot see anything good in yourself, you cannot attach any value to your life and you cannot love yourself. Therefore, it is naturally my duty to show you that you can be loved. I value your life more than is good for me and in my eyes everything about you is good.

You bend down to pick up another piece of clothing from the laundry tub. You cannot hide your slight wince of pain from doing so and I feel saddened. The world has hurt you again. I don't know how many scars you carry and at times I think I never want to know. At other times, however, I want to find them all and kiss them better one by one. Even the mental ones. Especially the mental ones.

"Kenshin! Do you want to cook or heat up the bath?" I ask him, enjoying the thrill that goes through me when his blue eyes concentrate on me and nothing else. I am at the center of his attention and I feel loved.

"This one would make dinner if that is okay with you, Kaoru-dono, that he would", he answers me in his usual overly polite and self-degrading fashion. I say it's okay and he smiles with his whole being. I smile in return but I must wonder whether he chose the chore he likes better or the one that requires physically less. Usually Kenshin would never make me do the harder task but he isn't well. He didn't tell me this; I can read it in his movements.

Yesterday, he helped an old lady whose bulging moneybag had been stolen and he had to fight the thieves. Only, because of a certain young dojo mistress, he didn't have his sakabatou with him and had to take on three thugs all of them twice as big as he is and with his bare hands. Kenshin might be faster than most people but in the end, he is just one man and a small one at that. Why, he is barely an inch taller than I am and I know I am somewhat vertically challenged. Anyway, Kenshin nearly beat all of the thieves before they hurt him but one managed to land a solid kick to his side and I am fairly certain he has broken ribs. Not that he would ever admit it or, gods help, go see Megumi-san or Gensai-sensei. There isn't much that can be done about broken ribs anyway, but at least they would give him something for the pain he is so obviously feeling. Well, obvious to me, Sanosuke and Yahiko are totally unaware of something being wrong with our rurouni.

I carry another lapful of wood to the fire I have going under the bathhouse. I sweat under the burden but that's okay. I am no frail lady fearing physical labor. I have chosen the way of the sword – or bokken – and I like to move my body around. Not to mention I would hate having Kenshin do this in his current state. I want the water to heat up and have him soaking in the warm bath to ease his aches. I would also like to cook him dinner but I acknowledge my deficiencies. Better to have him eat a decent meal even if he has to prepare it himself. Gods know he needs more meat to his bones. Sure, he has nice hard muscles but that's all there is. He has absolutely nothing extra on his lithe body.

I often wonder what Kenshin did for the ten years he spent wandering around. Did he have any friends at all, how many nights did he spend out in the open, how long did he go without eating at times? These are questions I fear will forever go unanswered. Or maybe Kenshin will tell me when he is ready. Maybe he won't. I will not pry or try to force the answers out of him. Kenshin is very private and would not appreciate me harassing him. I respect that. After all, everyone has things they would rather not talk about with anyone, including me. My first kiss and the disaster it led to, my feelings of guilt after my mother died, the despair of living alone after my father died, my motherly feelings towards Yahiko… the list could go on.

I dip my fingers into the bathwater. Nice and warm. I sneak into the kitchen to catch Kenshin in an unguarded moment but of course he senses me and turns around to smile at me. Only, his eyes are not smiling with his mouth. I see he is nearly done with the dinner, or at least it's at a point where even I can't possibly ruin it. I send Kenshin to the bath after many reassurances that I'm fine with finishing up the meal. He seems relieved when he disappears through the front door and I smile after him. So stubborn. My father taught me early to report all my aches to him so that I wouldn't overstrain myself when practicing and cause permanent injury. Guess there never was anyone to teach the same to Kenshin or even care enough about him to bother.

I sigh deeply. Life can be very cruel to some people. I'm glad Kenshin took Yahiko under his wing before the boy was ruined beyond repair. Maybe Kenshin saw himself in the boy and felt the same way. And Sanosuke and Megumi. They have both had it hard in their lives but I truly believe they have a chance to heal together. That is, if the lack-wits ever confess their feelings to each other. But then again, who am I to rebuke them: am I not guilty of the same cowardice?

I love Kenshin. Kenshin loves me. It seems so very simple. But. There always seems to be a 'but'. I fear Kenshin might see me as a child instead of the woman I am and I know Kenshin feels he doesn't deserve me or is too old or too dirty for me. Yes, he has killed in the past. What he doesn't see is that everyone living in that era had their hands bloodied. Such is war. Kenshin might have been more talented in the killing than others but that is in the past now. But then again, the fact that Kenshin feels guilty about his past sins makes him all the more lovable to me. He wouldn't be my Kenshin if he could take lives without feeling anything.

I hear Kenshin slide the front door open and I turn to look at him. His wet red hair glistens in the light of the setting sun and I'm once again struck by how beautiful he is. And yes, I do mean beautiful. No one could call my Kenshin handsome or – gods forbid – ugly. Sometimes I wonder how in the name of all the ancestors did I fall in love with such an unmanly looking man. I could've fallen for the tall, handsome, well-muscled Sanosuke, but no, I just had to set my eyes on the tiny redhead. Sometimes it really gets to me that I can never feel strong arms pick me up and carry me without effort. Sure, Kenshin is a strong man in spite of his delicate looks but I do have some muscles of my own. Therefore, Kenshin can certainly pick my up and carry me but it takes a lot out of him.

On the other hand, Kenshin has really delicate, fine, slender hands. I can only imagine the things he could do to a woman with those. I certainly don't need to be carried anywhere, even if it is the romantic dream, but I do need to be touched. A lot. Oh boy, I wonder how Kenshin will react when he finally realises how much he loves me and admits his feelings and then finds out I like to be caressed a lot. Kenshin doesn't seem to be the type that requires constant cuddling but then again, how should I know?

"Kaoru-dono?"

I wake up with a start and realise I've been daydreaming with my eyes open again. I give Kenshin a wide grin and set a pot of rice to the table. Kenshin gathers his wet hair behind his back, brushes his bangs out of his eyes and waits for me to take food first. Ever the gentleman. I hear footsteps closing in and sigh deeply. Two boys who most certainly are not gentlemen burst through the door.

"All right, time to eat! I certainly hope you didn't make this, Missy", Sanosuke says as he reaches for a bowl to be filled with rice. Yahiko also grabs one but for once keeps his mouth shut. I glare at the two idiots and call them stupid freeloaders. Yahiko calls me ugly, I call him Yahiko-chan and there we go again. Gods, I love my boys.

After the meal, Kenshin gathers the dishes and goes to wash them. Sanosuke and Yahiko go outside to sit on the porch and do absolutely nothing. I sigh again. Then I grin in a manner that can only be described as evil.

"Oh Sano…" I say slowly. He looks up in alarm as I swing an axe down between his legs.

"Oy, Missy, what are you doing?" he yells as he jumps backwards. I snicker and tell him to go chop some firewood. He looks at Yahiko who quickly claims to be too small to handle such a big axe. Then Sano looks towards the house but I growl and take out my bokken. No way is he going to make Kenshin do this. Sanosuke seems to finally realise there is no slipping away from the task and gathers up the axe. I watch him go with a huge smile on my face. Then I turn my gaze to Yahiko.

"No. Whatever it is, I won't do it," he quickly says.

"Too bad. I was going to ask you to go to the Akabeko to give this," I pull a small package out of my kimono, "to Tae-san, but since you don't want to, I'll have to ask Sano to do it instead and tell her and Tsubame-san that Yahiko-chan was too lazy to go…"

"No, I can go," Yahiko hastily says, grabs the package and rushes to the gate within three heartbeats. My, I'm getting good at manipulating men. Well, everyone except Kenshin. He sees through my attempts, but then again, he usually does anything I want anyway. Except if I want him to rest or relax, of course.

"Kaoru-dono? You are spacing out again, that you are," Kenshin informs me and I turn to see him sit down next to me on the porch. He is wearing a silly rurouni grin but there is concern in his eyes. I give him a fake grin of my own and together we watch the sunset. Kenshin is sitting quite close to me and I can feel the warmth of his body. I idly wonder what it would be like to be encircled by his strong arms or lie down next to him under warm blankets. I'm afraid I space out once more but my thoughts are so sweet I can't help myself. The sun sinks lower but I can't really see it. Damn you Kenshin, why can't you just show me how you feel? I know you love me but I think you should make the first move.

Be that as it may, I can't resist the temptation to grab your hand. You look up at me, startled, but you lift your hand from the porch and grasp mine within it. See, it feels nice. Now, you silly rurouni, it would be the perfect moment to turn your head and kiss me.

Of course, nothing like that happens. You're too old, too filthy, too broken and whatnot. Maybe one day you will learn that you have already atoned for your sins. Perhaps that is the day you can finally bring yourself to brush your lips against mine. Oh, what wonders will await you when you reach that point. You've gone through hell, you're now living in purgatory but that day you will reach heaven. And I will be there waiting for you.

o-o-o

AN: Ahem, there is really no excuse for this piece of fluff. Oh, and I'm following the manga, or at least the covers of the English translations and there Kenshin has blue eyes and a red gi, not the lavender eyes and magenta gi as in the anime. Hope that doesn't confuse anyone. And finally, English isn't my first language so I would actually appreciate it if you would point out my grammar mistakes and/or embarrassing spelling mistakes. Learning from my errors and all that. So click that nice review button, even if it is just to tell me how much I suck ;)

Edit: Fixed a few typos.


End file.
